we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
