The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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