I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She's the barista slut.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize