the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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