I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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