Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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