mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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