this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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