sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
they need to just BURY HIM!
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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