What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she told me i tasted like america
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
It's never too late to be topless.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize