we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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