No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize