I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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