Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
