Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
