So drunk, too bad you don't want this
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
