Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
