I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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