you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
