I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
