i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
