why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
