True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
