The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
either way he was missing a nipple.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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