People in love make me want to vomit
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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