If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
