Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
