I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
