Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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