so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
did i just pee glitter
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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