My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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