According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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