God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
