so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My penis needs a shock collar
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
