Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
