I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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