since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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