god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
