If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Randomize
