My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
