Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
