you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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