please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
