I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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