She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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