You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I need a beard to bite.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
