I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I fill condoms, not promises.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
