I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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