I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
