Swine flu. Run for my life!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
