The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
