I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Randomize
