you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
