This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
