I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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