My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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