You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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