She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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